It’s time for your monthly horoscope, whether you like it or not. (As always, with apologies to TheOnion.com.) The following is not scientific and is to be enjoyed solely for entertainment purposes. If that.)

CANCER (June 22-July 22): As a librarian, you know that books are a window to the world, a light to shine into your soul and, after that last aftershock, a half-ton of dead weight crushing your chest.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It's a good week to spruce up that little-used, locked-up guest room. Plain soap and water will work great on the blood stains.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): That friend who has been cheating with your spouse behind your back can’t hide forever, especially if you just turn around and look down.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): After an argument with a business partner, you’ll find that, as the old saying goes, the thing you want most is the thing you can’t have: the antidote.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)< After much mystery and confusion, all will be revealed today, and you’ll be thankful you bought the co-ed all those beers.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your mother’s news that she’s going to be interviewed for a documentary is tempered a bit when you see the sound truck in the driveway bearing the logo “Grannies Gone Wild.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You find that you have reached a crossroads in your professional life: whether to merely disembowel your boss with a box cutter or beat him into carpaccio with a length of rebar.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This month’s lucky number is 15, meaning how many weeks it will take for your abscess to heal.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The stars’ last bit of advice — to surround yourself with people who could help you — did not mean you should stand in the middle of the circle, with your hostages shielding you.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Someone has a secret crush on you, but under no circumstances should you eat the cookies they sent you, especially the snickerdoodles that smell like benzene.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You spend so much time helping everybody else, you sometimes forget about your own needs. But that’s OK — everybody else forgets about your needs, too.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21):It will come as an unexpected — and ironic — surprise when your business partner literally does throw you under a bus.

Rodney Richey, columnist for The Herald Bulletin, sees a large sum of money headed your way, and then, at the last minute, taking a sharp left turn toward somebody else. He can be reached at rodney.richey@heraldbulletin.com.