Dear Steve and Lynelle,My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. I have a daughter from a previous relationship that was very abusive. My daughter calls my boyfriend daddy because he is all she’s known. She’s almost 2. He loves her very much. When we first met, I had a job, and then he decided to get a better job so that I could stay home with her. That was HIS decision, I was fine with working. We just decided to rent a home together to get out of my parents’ house about three weeks ago. The day we decided to move, he called me — didn’t even come home — to tell me he couldn’t do it, that this was too much pressure and too big of a commitment. I got the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech, and he dumped me. We had a joint account because he made the money, and I was in charge of it. He closed the account, left me with NO money and told me it was my problem. Obviously, I’m upset, but I’m more upset he left my daughter with nothing. No, he is not her father, but he didn’t even give me $10 for diapers or gas or food, and he still tells me he loves her. I’ve already started the process of getting on food stamps and public assistance while I look for a job. I’ve dealt with the fact that he’s not coming back to me, but he’s asking to see my daughter. She loves him and I know he actually loves her. In fact, she cries for him at night and picks up the phone to hand it to me to call him. I would love her to have a good father figure, and I believe he is, but I don’t think this is healthy for me. What do I do?

Steve: This is a bitter lesson for you. Women should read your story as a cautionary tale. Don’t ever give yourself so completely to a man that you can’t recover if he disappears. With the divorce rate at 50 percent and pre-marital couples changing partners as fast as they do shirts, always enter a relationship expecting it to end. In a relationship, assert your independence so you’ll be able to provide for yourself and any children after he goes.

Don’t be afraid to paint this guy as a cad to your daughter. In fact, you’ll need to keep repeating it to her through the years so she doesn’t grow up and make the same mistakes.

When you emphasize it was HIS decision to take over expenses so you could stay home with your daughter, don’t forget it was YOUR decision to quit work. He left you with nothing because he could. As abhorrent as some marriages are, they are at least grounded in the law so you can’t lose everything.

You have to steer your daughter’s affection away from this guy. Don’t let the tears allow this guy to re-enter your life.

Remember this: He left your daughter, too, so he can’t love her very much. You’ve got enough worries in getting your life back on track. Don’t even talk to this guy. You might, however, let a lawyer do the talking. If both of your names were on the account he can’t take everything. The fact that he did means that you and your daughter meant nothing to him.

Lynelle: Wow, Steve, it may be a bitter lesson for this woman, but you gave a bitter, bitter answer. “Always enter a relationship expecting it to end.” Are you kidding me? While I completely agree with the point that women need to be assertive in a relationship — even in a marriage — and prepare for caring for children after a man is gone, you can’t seriously be THAT bitter, can you?

I agree with Steve, although I hesitantly admit it after his initial comment, that you need to remember this man can’t care too much for your daughter if he dropped her so quickly. Although he left, I have a feeling he isn’t ready to let go of every aspect of the relationship and your daughter is the easiest part to cling to right now.

Also, think about the future. What happens when you begin dating, or even decide to marry another man? Your ex definitely isn’t going to be in the picture anymore. I don’t think you need to tell your daughter this guy is a cad, but I do encourage you to use caution when introducing your child to men in the future. Make sure the next guy she calls “daddy” will be able to be there with the commitment behind that title. Move on, help your daughter move on and don’t let your life be dependent on a man. Be strong and don’t let this guy back in your lives. I wish you the best of luck.

Steve and Lynelle want to give you advice! They are always looking for good questions to answer, so pass on your drama, dating disasters, relationship woes and any problems that come your way. Write to them at steveandlynelle@heraldbulletin.com or send a letter to them at 1133 Jackson St., Anderson, IN 46016. Too frustrated to write? Call (765) 640-4863. Advice columnists Steve Dick and Lynelle Miller bring unique perspectives to your problems each Tuesday.