January 22, 2008 12:09 am
—
Dear Steve and Lynelle,I’m worried about my 14-year-old little sister. Recently, she has been getting into a lot of trouble at school. She has been getting in brawls with her peers, and she’s one mishap away from expulsion. We believe drugs are a factor in her behavior. She acts hostile toward everyone, including family. She surrounds herself with deviant friends. Some of them are pregnant, others drink heavily or use hard drugs. She has used MySpace to threaten people, and she has gotten in a lot of trouble because of it. We’re afraid she might get hurt. We thought about sending her to another school, but we don’t think it will make a difference. We considered sending her to a counselor, but our family cannot afford it. She has no respect for others, and she refuses to listen to our parents when they try to set rules for her. Do you have advice for a family in need of some guidance?
Steve: This reminds me of the movie “Thirteen” where a perfectly normal girl spirals out of control because hey, it’s cool and it’s better to be in than out. At 14, your sister is more influenced by her peers than family, and it sounds as if her peers don’t set the best example (though I wouldn’t equate pregnancy with deviant behavior).
She’s doing things to rebel against her family. Maybe she feels as if she doesn’t fit in. Let me go out on a limb here and say that her family has let her get away with far too much for far too long. What have you been doing while she’s fallen further into trouble and self-destruction?
You believe drugs are a factor? You should know. You’re afraid she might get hurt? She’s going to. She’s already feeling some pain. What do you do when she acts hostile? Do you let her control that or do you simply fight back and alienate her further?
What she wants most is attention, and I’m guessing that hasn’t been forthcoming in your family. There’s always the possibility she’s incorrigible, a bad seed if you will. But that’s rare. Behavior is usually influenced by something.
What should you and your family do? You need to enter into her life, get to know her again and ignore the abuse she’s going to dish out while you attempt to being her back into the fold. Do things with her, include her in family matters and don’t take no for an answer. I’d like to see you save some counseling bills, but if there are drugs involved, as you suspect, you’re going to need some professionals to help you. And that better happen before the law gets involved.
It’s time for the family to reconnect. Don’t do it just for her; she just has to feel a part of it. Also, don’t expect changes overnight. Be patient. Most of all, be there for her. But don’t let her out of your sight.
Lynelle: I agree with Steve that your sister needs professional help. I know money can be tight and counseling expensive, but what price can you put on a life? There are services out there to get your sister the help she needs, especially if she is actually doing drugs. I think Steve is also right about helping her feel included, but I think teenage rebellion at this level may stem from deeper issues. I’m not a parent, but I was a rebellious teen — maybe not to this level — but rebellious nonetheless, and my parents slammed the door on it very quickly. I hated it, fought it for a long, long, long time but eventually submitted and realized my behavior was not only hurting me, but my family as well.
She may not like it, but I think your parents need to put a lid on her going out, talking on the phone, meeting up with friends, etc. If she doesn’t have access to those who enable her bad behavior — such as doing drugs — she can’t participate. She will hate this, but it will at least stop the behavior long enough to find out why she is rebelling.
Many parents are probably rolling their eyes saying “easier said than done,” but I believe it can be done. And you need to help as well. Again, she will rebel but include her in activities with your friends — positive activities. Show her she can have a good time without drugs or deviant behavior. This will take a lot of work, a lot of commitment from everyone in your family, but I believe it will have a positive impact over time. I still advocate counseling, but I suggest looking into family counseling as well so she doesn’t feel like she’s being cornered. That way, she can voice what is going on in her life with everyone. I wish you luck and ask you to keep us updated.
I pray your sister sees her destructive behavior won’t get her far and that she has a family that truly cares for her.
Steve and Lynelle want to give you advice! They are always looking for good questions to answer, so pass on your drama, dating disasters, relationship woes and any problems that come your way. Write to them at steveandlynelle@heraldbulletin.com or send a letter to them at 1133 Jackson St., Anderson, IN 46016. Too frustrated to write? Call (765) 640-4863. Advice columnists Steve Dick and Lynelle Miller bring unique perspectives to your problems each Tuesday.
Copyright © 1999-2008 cnhi, inc.